Dear Amerie,

Hey girl. How are you? Kind of bummed, right? I mean what with In Love & War thudding in at #46 on the Billboard Top 100 in your first week of sales. It’s time to re-evaluate your gameplan. You’re not going to break back into pop on the coat-tails of Beyoncé and Rihanna. You’re also not turning any heads with half-hearted live appearances like this where you can’t be bothered to sing most of the lyrics.

Look, even I tried to vouch for you and the only people who agreed were people who “copped” your album. I don’t know what that means, but all two of those people had rather nice things to say about it. So did all of these people.

You have an excellent album in your hands. However, right now Top 40 is all “Gaga this, Beyoncé that.” It’s rather closed off and there’s no point in chucking more bones at something as insular as Top 40. Officially being sub-Top 20, Amerie, is a blessing in disguise. You can now aspire to become an indie urban pop icon, because relative chart failure is a hallmark of the “indie pop” sphere (see Little Boots.) Go have a coffee with Santigold. Maybe she’ll join you for a remix of “Heard ‘Em All.” Get a scone with Kanye West. His asking price, if you haven’t noticed, has taken a dip. Buy now, sell later or whatever. He could chime in with an obnoxious rap on “Red Eye.” Round up Calvin Harris, Diplo, Passion Pit, Hadouken!, and maybe even the Freemasons and get them to remix a handful of your album tracks. Release the end-product as a digital EP.

There’s still time to turn this sinking ship around, Amerie.

Yours in love and war,

Me

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